In the name of the law!
by AmZ
Summary: Hugo was misinformed: Javert was actually a robot.
1. The Program

Disclaimer: I am not a programmer. I am only a fan of computer jokes. This piece of "code" has been inspired by a joke about Microsoft.

Part I: The Program (coming sequel - Part II: The Execution)

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~~~~~=======^**^*~^**^*~^**^*~^**^*=======~~~~~

#include tenacity.h  
#include austerity.h  
#include melancholy.h  
#include investigation.h /* For Prefecture Archives */  
#define look(x) glare(x)  
#define breadthief MUST_SIT_IN_THE_GALLEYS  
#define availableCompassion (0)

void main()

if (VALJEAN_gets_away twice)

if (cannot_confirm_1823_child_abduction)  
demand(FUNDS_FROM_PREFECTURE_TO_ORGANIZE_PROPER_INVESTIGATION);  
if (no_one_believes_that_Valjean_is_alive)  
run(OUT_OF_OFFICE_CRYING);

while (everyone_chats_about_your_certain_insanity)

carry(several_loaded_pistols) ; /* Coup-de-Poing, Lepage dueling pistol, St. Etienne, English pepperbox, in coat_arsenal.h */  
if (rumours_grow_wilder)

set_self(mode,angry);

make(raving accusations); /* "You all hate me!" */

if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)  
{

arrest_time=ripe;

set_self(mode,predatory);

pray("Lord, let me find him");  
order(agents, follow_me_into_Petit_Picpus);  
order(gendarmes, block_all_exits);  
order(self, have_a_pinch_of_snuff);  
break;

}

if (escape=TRUE)  
become(agitated);  
run(around);  
if (TRACE=0)  
become(depressed);  
kick(self, repeatedly);  
break;

switch (ridicule_at_the_Prefecture)

case WHEN_WILL_YOU_RELENT:  
say("I will get him in", a few days," a year or two," I'll arrange to have the wall bulldozed over");  
break;  
case ARE_YOU_EVEN_SURE_IT_IS_HIM:  
say("Yes I'm sure");  
ask(self, why_can't_you_do_anything_right);  
pretend(there_is_no_problem);  
sing(la_la_la);  
develop(serious_snuff_addiction);  
break;

while (moping_about_lifetime_of_failure)

arrest_date+++; /* Delay */  
if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_an_arrest)  
say("I'll get the bastard in," today+ONE_MONTH);

while (Prefect_is_planning_your_forced_retirement)

distract(self, new_case);

mental_agitation += 2.7enraged_hungry_beasts+;

if (someone_wants_to_see_you)

admit(visitor);  
listen(ramble);  
examine(visitor); /* GlarePlus version 6.0 */

visitor=DOLTLAWYER  
catalog attributesDOLTLAWYER

dumb  
callow  
pompous  
pretty MONTPARNASSE

CONTEMPTUOUS mode ON

if (ramble=BELIEVABLE)

ignore(DOLTLAWYER);  
address(self, "Patron-Minette must have had a hand in this");

if (DOLTLAWYER_insists_ramble=TRUE)

ignore(DOLTLAWYER);  
kick(stove);  
examine(burned_hole_in_coat);  
approximate(cost_of_repair);

if (boredomskyhigh && bank_account=empty && promotion=agreeable)

examine(coat_arsenal);

#define least_favorite_gun Coup_de_Poing

if (Coup_de_Poing += 2)

give(Coup_de_Poing, to DOLTLAWYER);  
instruct(DOLTLAWYER, "When you think matters have reached a crisis, fire a shot.")

#define desired_gunshot_sound BANG

describe(BANG, to DOLTLAWYER)  
kick(DOLTLAWYER_out);  
plan(operation);  
break;

}

switch (Prefecture)

case DID_YOU_GET_VALJEAN_YET_HA_HA:  
growl(mentally)  
smile(outwardly)  
{

#define Prefect_Gisquet WILL_GET_WHAT'S_COMING_TO_HIM_ONE_OF_THESE_DAYS

}  
case YOU_FOUND_PATRON-MINETTE:  
nod;  
case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_CAPTURE_REQUIREMENTS:  
analyze(requirements)

#include agents+=14  
#include handcuffs+=10  
#include balls=colossal

list(66.66666667% requirements)  
inform(GENDARMERIE ROYALE);  
break;

switch (Gorbeau_hovel)

case NO_BANG_YET  
wait(BANG);  
wait;  
wait;

see(TWERPS);  
catalog attributesTWERPS  
{

young  
female  
raggedy  
smelly  
}

{

#define TWERPS related_to_a_criminal  
#define related_to_a_criminal CRIMINALS

arrest(CRIMINALS);

wait(BANG);  
wait;

wait;  
curse(DOLTLAWYER);  
bust(door);  
examine(situation);  
suppress(laughter);  
inform(PATRON-MINETTE, "Let's not fight like water-carriers, but behave like gentlemen");

imply("Make my day, punks");

laugh(Thenardiess, i_am_way_prettier);  
if (Thenardier_pulls_out_a_gun)  
activate(The_Evil_Eye); /* EvilEyePlus version 3.1 */  
sabotage(trigger_mechanism);

when (probability_of_successful_fire=0.05%)  
await(inevitable_surrender);  
cuff(bastards);

scan (PATRON-MINETTE, for MONTPARNASSE)  
if (MONTPARNASSE_not_detected)  
shed(lonesome_tear);  
yell(DOLTLAWYER);  
thank(GENDARMERIE ROYALE);  
case VICTIM_IS_MISSING:  
develop(dreadful_premonition);

break;

switch (Prefecture)

while (everyone_gaping_over_spectacular_arrest)  
secure(raise);

secure(promotion);

jeer(colleagues);  
break;

switch (Home)

{brush(sideburns);

dream(arresting_VALJEAN);

dream(MONTPARNASSE);

dream(VALJEAN+MONTPARNASSE);

wake(screaming);

break;

} switch(Barricades)

{

memorize(faces);

{ ident=10 unident=27 }

search(VALJEAN);

if (VALJEAN_detected)

arrest(VALJEAN);

{

/* printf("This is the last time I'm doing this the hard way. Next time I'll just shoot your ass."); */

}

else

keep_searching_loop();

keep_searching_loop();

keep_searching_loop();

} return(0);

}


	2. The first attempt at an Execution

Disclaimer: I am not a programmer. I am only a fan of computer jokes. This piece was inspired by a well-known joke about God's botched-up Genesis. Those of you who know anything at all about DOS, please send me your corrections.  
  
^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*=======~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
ARREST.EXE  
  
Part II: The (first attempt at the) Execution  
  
^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*^~^*@*=======~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
:Run arrest  
  
#Enter user id.  
  
:Inspector Javert  
  
#Enter password.  
  
:Irreproachable  
  
#Password incorrect. Try again.  
  
:Infallible  
  
#Password incorrect. Try again.  
  
:Repressed  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Monday, January 1.  
  
:Run arrest  
  
#Execution terminated. 6 errors.  
  
:Stop  
  
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.  
  
:Wander the streets clad in an iron-gray frock-coat armed with a heavy cane and wearing a battered  
  
#Unspecified type. Try again.  
  
:Scan for order  
  
#Done. Order detected.  
  
:Maintain order  
  
#You must go on patrol to maintain order.  
  
:Go on patrol  
  
#Javert is on patrol. 0 errors.  
  
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:00:00 PM, Monday, January 1.  
  
#Approx. patience remaining: 86.1%.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
#Javert logged on at 09:01:00 AM, Tuesday, January 2.  
  
:Examine carefully and with suspicion face gait figure age of Madeleine the manufacturer  
  
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.  
  
:Create suspicion  
  
#Done.  
  
:Run suspicion  
  
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.  
  
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.  
  
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Tuesday, January 2.  
  
#Approx. patience remaining: 72%.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 3.  
  
:Run suspicion  
  
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.  
  
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.  
  
:Examine carefully face hair gait figure age of Monsieur Madeleine  
  
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.  
  
:Examine face of Madeleine.  
  
#Done.  
  
:Match face of Madeleine.  
  
#No exact match has been found.  
  
:Match +=80% face_of_Madeleine  
  
#Searching... please wait...  
  
1 fitting matches has been located for face_of_Madeleine in the internal archives.  
  
:Open match  
  
===== ===== ===== ===== Start of match ===== ===== ===== =====  
  
===== Name: Valjean, Jean.  
  
===== Year of birth: 1769  
  
===== Height: 5'6  
  
===== Weight: 185 lbs  
  
===== Hair color: dirty blond/graying  
  
===== Eye color: blue  
  
===== Face shape: round.  
  
===== Notable skills: exceptional marksmanship (rifle)  
  
===== Distinguishing characteristics: Extraordinary physical strength; large "tea-stain" birthmark on left shoulder blade.  
  
===== Previous convictions: 1  
  
===== Date of conviction: 1796  
  
===== Duration of sentence: 1796-1815  
  
===== Served in full? yes  
  
===== Wanted for: theft, highway robbery with violence, breaking parole.  
  
===== Last known whereabouts: town of Digne  
  
===== Current whereabouts: unknown.  
  
ATTENTION! The suspect is considered highly dangerous. Exercise every precaution while apprehending. ATTENTION!  
  
===== ===== ===== ===== End of match ===== ===== ===== =====  
  
:Examine Madeleine's documents  
  
#File Madeleine's documents does not exist.  
  
:Examine Madeleine's birth certificate  
  
#File Madeleine's birth certificate does not exist  
  
:Create Madeleine_Valjean.dir  
  
#Done.  
  
:Run suspicion  
  
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine.  
  
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.  
  
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 3.  
  
#Approx. patience remaining: 55%.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
#Javert logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 09:01:00 AM, Thursday, January 4.  
  
:Scan for order  
  
#Scanning... please wait...  
  
#A disturbance has been detected!  
  
:Investigate disturbance.  
  
#Road-side accident. 0 persons dead, 1 persons wounded.  
  
:Move wounded from road.wlk to hospital  
  
#Moving wounded is impossible due to an obstruction.  
  
:Analyze obstruction  
  
#Analyzing... please wait...  
  
#File horse.crt found in directory road.wlk  
  
#Access to directory road.wlk denied.  
  
:Move obstruction to sidewalk.dir  
  
#You do not have clearance to move horse.crt  
  
:Destroy obstruction  
  
#Horse.crt is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.  
  
:Break  
  
:Break  
  
:Break  
  
.  
  
.  
  
#Madeleine logged on to Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.  
  
#Obstruction removed! You may now move wounded to hospital.  
  
#Madeleine logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 13:04:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
.  
  
:Analyze removal  
  
#Analyzing... please wait...  
  
#Javert is made uneasy by removal of obstruction by Madeleine.  
  
#Warning: system error in sector E1815. Madeleine is not a unique user!  
  
:Run suspicion  
  
#Javert suspects Monsieur Madeleine of being Jean Valjean.  
  
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.  
  
#Javert logged off from Montreuil-sur-mer at 22:02:00 PM, Wednesday, January 4.  
  
#Approx. patience remaining: 35%. 


End file.
